Stupid, fucking cherry blossom trees

Everyone here is so excited about the fucking cherry blossom trees blooming. "Oh, the streets look so beautiful! They look like cotton candy!"

Barf

o

rama

Like, seriously? Seriously? This is what this city gets so excited for?

Seriously.

And the cherry on top of this whole thing (pun absolutely intended)

The trees don't even make cherries!

So, what is the point of them?? To dress this city up? Because just like the cherry blossom trees, this city is pretty, but what is the real purpose?

Gah. I am sorry, I am just so fucking sick and tired of these cherry blossom trees - if you can even call them that.

I'm So Ronery

Where the fuck do you make friends? I mean, for someone my age, it is next to impossible.

I have been struggling with this one for a while now. I have a brilliant circle of friends in Edmonton. Fun, smart, witty, hilarious and they are all mine. But here, I have nothing. I mean, I have a couple of friends, but nothing / no one that really compares to the quantity and quality of friends in Edmonton.

So where do you meet people? I am no longer a club-goer. I just don’t have the energy. And at my age, people already have a pretty stable group of friends and likely aren’t taking applications. I wouldn’t be if I was them. Friends are a lot of work. You have to make time for them, take their feelings into consideration and do all of this on a consistent enough basis, that it slowly builds a friendship.

For me, I would rather stay at home and work than go out there and try to meet people. How annoying are people and why should I want to spend time with them? I can barely tolerate myself most days and then I am expected to open up my world to new and annoying people I can’t tell to shut up? Seems a little … unappealing.

I suppose I shall just throw myself into my work and try to be as competent as possible. Boy, am I glad I live here.

No I’m not.

What an idiot!

I often think I am. And this likely ties into my social anxiety and busy head issues, but when I am an idiot or I THINK I am an idiot, I obsess about it. For days, weeks, months, fuck, there are somethings I did years ago that I still obsess over.

Have you ever read a situation so wrong you wonder if you can read at all? It happens to me all the time and it sucks.

You think one thing and then BLAMO you are hit with the hard truth. You were wrong. So wrong, for so long.

It is brutal, it makes my heart sink to the pit of my stomach, but continues to race at a million miles a minute, makes me smoke like a mofo and it renders me unable to move (except to go to the balcony and smoke like a million times a day).

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I hate this feeling. I wish it never happened to me. I wish I could just be fooled for the rest of my life, living in my happy little bubble.

Why is it, the older we get, the less capable we become of dealing with stuff? Is it because we are more aware of the consequences?

Gah.

Have I mentioned I hate being a grown up?

I have a problem

Well, I have many, but just one of them is ...

I have a really busy head. It is enough to send a girl over the edge. Especially when that busy head takes over at 3 AM and doesn't let you get back to bed.

Hello! I like to sleep.

Jerk.

People think I am crazy. Jarod has often mentioned how he just doesn't get it. Well it is easy to not get when you don't have a thought!

Sorry, that was way harsh. I am just so tired. I was a zombie at work today, after 3PM, I was ready to crawl to the bus stop and go home. I am pretty sure my mind did.

Oh, but I am getting really excited to move into a permanent (at least more permanent) place than this. I am going to decorate like a mofo. I can't wait.

Also, I think I might be the lamest person in Vancouver. I mean, Vancouver is supposed to be cool, PR is a cool, sexy profession, but Friday and Saturday nights, I did nothing. Like absolutely nothing. How sad is that? Gah. I don't even want to talk about it.

It is 8:15PM, I am going to bed.

Pooped

I am so freaking tired. I don't think I have ever been more exhausted in my life. All of a sudden, my work is all-consuming.

And I love it.

LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT

Even the really stressful stuff is exhilarating. I am excited to go to work every day, I love my coworkers and I have a fun time at work. We work when we have to and laugh when we can. It is a perfect work environment for me.

Each and every day, my wait to take the perfect job becomes more and more vindicated. I was right.

This is totally worth it.

Is it ready?

That is all I heard today. Is it ready?

No. It isn't.

Why?

Because it takes time, time I didn't have.

Gah.

I went through the day on toast, two cups of coffee and NO cigarettes! Can you imagine??

As a reward, I happily enjoyed a two cheeseburger meal from McD's. Mmm ... McDonald's.

This is what I love about work though. The rush I get from it. Although for the first time, I really noticed my body giving up on me.

Stupid body.

Turn Around

Sometimes you just need to take 10 steps to get perspective.

Sometimes you need the space to see what you have lost, sometimes to see what you have gained, sometimes both - either way, a little room can make a world of difference.

When I got thrown out of New York, I thought I was losing the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

When I moved to Vancouver, I thought, fuck, this is going to suck.

But the thing is - it would have taken me years to get the kind of work experiences I am getting here if I was in New York. My social life would have been amazing, but Vancouver is far better for my career.

That doesn't mean I like this city though.

I don't.

It was a great work day today and I thought to myself, 'this rocks'. And it was things that I just wouldn't have had access to in New York.

So that was the theme of my day, therefore, it is the theme of this post.

So simple.

The littlest hobo

First of all, it was my favorite tv show as a kid. My mom used to let me watch it, but at the end of every episode I used to cry my eyes out because the poor dog wouldn't stay.

Now I am the one that doesn't stay. Anywhere. Ever.

In the past two years, I have gone through a move five times, soon to be six times.

And fuck is it getting annoying. I just want somewhere I can put my shoes down for longer than a few months. It is an exhausting process, moving.

Find an apartment, pay deposit and first month's rent, pack your shit, move your shit, unpack your shit, organize your shit, fall over and die.

That is what it feels like to me.

Melodramatic much? Yes.

So?

I am 27 freaking years old, shouldn't I be more stable than this??

heh. Guess not.

What do you do on your spare time?

Lately, nothing. Because I have no spare time.

My time is spent between work, some freelancing stuff I am working on and sleep. And I haven't been getting much sleep.

I love being busy though. It keeps me from eating and getting fat.

Also, I have started another blog. It won't replace this one. What the fuck is Iris listening to? was the brain-child of my cubicle-mate. He is a music junkie and in jest, mentioned how he was going to bring in a new cd for me every week and then we could start a blog about it. Kinda my uneducated, unbiased thoughts on the cds he brings in.

So I did it. And I am going to use this Meh for free publicity.

Oh, and the weather in Vancouver is improving. I have taken Sia to the beach for the past few weekends. Throw the ball, hang out in the sun and hang out with one of my favorite creatures. Good times.

Don't get me wrong though, I still think Vancouver sucks.