Saturday, March 14, 2009


No one likes to admit they are scared. There is something about being scared that feels weak - or something.

I dunno.

But I am going to say it, "I am scared."

My mom has to go for quadruple bypass surgery next week. I have never been this freaked out by anything.

All I can think about is how I have been a really shitty daughter. And that maybe I should move back to Edmonton. And what the hell would I do without her.


I can barely concentrate at work. Everything seems so trivial. Who the fuck cares about getting a stupid media hit - my mom is going in for major surgery.


And then I am also sick of hearing how it is no big deal.

Really? No big deal? REALLY!?

Are you fucking kidding me? They are going to cut open her chest and work on her heart. I am sorry, but it is a big-fucking-deal.


My poor mom. I can't imagine how she is feeling about this whole thing. She is all tough and acting like it isn't bothering her - which is probably more for me and dad than anything- but I can't imagine something like this not getting to someone.

It sure is getting to me.

She is my best friend. My champion and biggest fan. My life would be empty without her. I talk to her everyday, often multiple times a day, and I won't be made to feel stupid for that. I like talking to her. I like knowing what she is doing, how her day was and how annoying dad is.

Plus, she gave me life. I kinda owe her.


Susan said...

I really feel for you Iris. My mom had a major heart surgery 2.5 years ago - an aortic valve replacement - and it was really stressful but everyone pretended it was all "cool." Everyone maintained a certain stoic attitude and we kept our worries unspoken. Now she is recovered and feeling so much better though it was a difficult recovery in the beginning. I am constantly amazed at the things medicine can do to mend the human body - along with the body's amazing powers to heal itself. But all that said, it's still incredibly "stressful" (for lack of a better word) to imagine our loved ones having extreme operations. So, as I said, I feel for you!

iris said...

Thanks Susan. I am happy to say that she made it out of surgery ok and is now recovering.