Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Where do I go from here?

I have been trying to write this post for three weeks with limited success.

A few weeks ago, two of my closest friends came to visit for a girl's weekend on the coast. I was super excited, and even cleaned my apartment for the visit.

These two people have been with me for almost 10 years now. Our friendship is real, there is no doubt about that. Our friendship is deep, there is also no doubt about that.

But the thing about relationships with depth is that they have the power to hurt more than others.

It sucks.

During this trip, and after a lovely dinner, my two friends confronted me on something they had both discussed prior to arriving in Vancouver - my lack of emotions.

In their words, I am an emotional robot.

Now this is not the first time my inability to emote on command has put strain on my relationships. P3 made several comments about my emotional quotient.

Here's the thing, I'm not unemotional. My friends' comments made me quite angry, which proves I am, in fact, not a robot. I am a fixer. I see a problem, hear you crying or upset, I'm going to try my damnedest to resolve the problem as quickly as possible. I also don't believe in burdening people with my woes. My life can be quite heavy at times, too heavy for me, so why should I unload on other people. There's just no need for it.

We were able to resolve(ish)the fight that ensued. They left on good terms and life was to continue on as normal, but their words have left a deeper impression than expected.

Here I am, three weeks later, still obsessing about it. And not only am I still hurt by their words, but I wonder what kind of truth lies in them. Am I too cold for people? Are my walls finally proving too high for even my closest friends? And if they are too high for my friends, how will a man ever overcome them?

I've done the obligatory survey - asking every stakeholder I can think of it they are correct. The response has mainly been that I am in fact, not an emotional robot. Which is nice to hear, but I don't necessarily believe them.

So where does all this rambling leave me? I don't want to fight with my friends, but at the same time, I'm still hurt by their words. I'm still hurt by the fact that they both had the same issues, but neither had the balls to talk to me about it. I'm still hurt that two people I care deeply about questioned my dedication and attachment to our relationships.

Basically, I'm pretty fucking hurt and I don't really know where to go from here.


Joanne said...

I just read this and got angry....i would be really pissed if someone had a problem with me because of my lack of emotion- i am not unlike you in your supposed lack of it. its not that i dont feel and its not that i am afraid to show it, it's just not who I am. You want me to be there for you, tell me whats on your mind and i will be there for you the way i best know how...if you dont like it, find a friend who will support you in the way that you are seeking. but do NOT fucking tell me how wrong i am in being me, at the age of 28, youre not going to get very far in changing things.

iris said...

"find a friend who will support you in the way that you are seeking. but do NOT fucking tell me how wrong i am in being me"

AMEN SISTER! And, if I'm so fucking broken, just let me be!