60 to 30

In exactly 60 days I will be 30.

And I'm not really freaked out by it. In fact, and I know this sounds silly, but I'm kinda done with my 20's. I feel with each passing year I have grown in ways I didn't know were possible - professionally, personally, width.

But over the next 60 days I am going to enjoy the last hints of youth. I've been delaying the inevitable for a while, but 30 is definitely beyond the point of being considered youthful - just ask Barney Stinson.

I'm not going to do a things to do list, because, well, 60 days ain't that much, and I can honestly say, I've done a pretty good job of doing the stuff I really want. My 20's have been filled with adventure, some (though not a lot of) romance, amazing family and friends. And despite most of my worst moments happening in the past decade, this decade has made me, well, me.

So for my 30th birthday, I'm breaking with tradition and spending time with my parents. We are taking off for two weeks for a wee trip to Italy. It should be interesting - no friends, no connections, just me, ma & pa. We haven't done this in a while.

And maybe I will return with something fabulous from Prada, Gucci or Valentino.

I doubt it though.

Where do I go from here?

I have been trying to write this post for three weeks with limited success.

A few weeks ago, two of my closest friends came to visit for a girl's weekend on the coast. I was super excited, and even cleaned my apartment for the visit.

These two people have been with me for almost 10 years now. Our friendship is real, there is no doubt about that. Our friendship is deep, there is also no doubt about that.

But the thing about relationships with depth is that they have the power to hurt more than others.

It sucks.

During this trip, and after a lovely dinner, my two friends confronted me on something they had both discussed prior to arriving in Vancouver - my lack of emotions.

In their words, I am an emotional robot.

Now this is not the first time my inability to emote on command has put strain on my relationships. P3 made several comments about my emotional quotient.

Here's the thing, I'm not unemotional. My friends' comments made me quite angry, which proves I am, in fact, not a robot. I am a fixer. I see a problem, hear you crying or upset, I'm going to try my damnedest to resolve the problem as quickly as possible. I also don't believe in burdening people with my woes. My life can be quite heavy at times, too heavy for me, so why should I unload on other people. There's just no need for it.

We were able to resolve(ish)the fight that ensued. They left on good terms and life was to continue on as normal, but their words have left a deeper impression than expected.

Here I am, three weeks later, still obsessing about it. And not only am I still hurt by their words, but I wonder what kind of truth lies in them. Am I too cold for people? Are my walls finally proving too high for even my closest friends? And if they are too high for my friends, how will a man ever overcome them?

I've done the obligatory survey - asking every stakeholder I can think of it they are correct. The response has mainly been that I am in fact, not an emotional robot. Which is nice to hear, but I don't necessarily believe them.

So where does all this rambling leave me? I don't want to fight with my friends, but at the same time, I'm still hurt by their words. I'm still hurt by the fact that they both had the same issues, but neither had the balls to talk to me about it. I'm still hurt that two people I care deeply about questioned my dedication and attachment to our relationships.

Basically, I'm pretty fucking hurt and I don't really know where to go from here.

Baby boy I'm staying here

Distance makes the heart grow weak
So that the mouth can barely speak
Except to those who hide their needs
And I have read the golden seal
That tell of how the seedlings feel
Reminds my heart what love can yield


Z