Today I knew, I made the right decision

Obviously I didn't really talk about the happenings of the past month or so. They have been a little complex, so I needed to get my head straight before I could articulate what's up.

After today, I think I'm ready, so let me try.

A few weeks ago I had a job offer in Toronto.

Yes, I said Toronto. I wasn't necessarily looking to leave my current job, I've talked about how much I love it after all. But I do like the idea of getting some interview experience and keeping your resume fresh. So whatever, I randomly applied for a job in Toronto that I wasn't qualified for.

But I was given an offer anyways. Apparently, I'm marketable.

This job offer was lovely. The firm seemed great, the people super nice and the work interesting. It would have been a lateral move - no doubt - but it wouldn't have been a bad move. In fact, I think some people believe it would have been a really good move.

I digress.

I received this offer, thought about it, talked to my bosses about it - after all, for the past three years, they have been my most tangible mentors - but then chose to decline it.

In seeking advice from all fronts, my friend Josh said "Whatever decision you make, it will be the right one."

I thought it was nice advice, but didn't fully believe it until today.

You see today, I found out a stupid, uncharacteristic mistake I made almost got us fired. A client was so upset with my work, that it almost resulted in us losing the account.

I wanted to die.

While I like to pretend that I have a pretty pulled-together life, in reality, the only pulled-together thing I have is work. It's the only place I am confident, capable and moving in the right direction.

My personal life is a mess.

Again, I digress.

I haven always prided myself on being good at my job. I have never been fired from anything and the idea that something I did put my agency in a precarious position really got to me.

I spoke to my boss about it in general terms, as this information was given to me in confidence. As she reassured me that the loss of a client will not result in the loss of my job and that this company believes in me, I knew:

I definitely made the right decision.

So, for the first time, I chose Vancouver. I chose it over the bright lights, big city of Toronto, which, in turn, means I may have chosen it over New York.

Who knew that would ever happen?

Here we are again

I originally wrote this post two years ago, but here we are again, like we will be every July 25th. This year make 13 years since my cousin died. And still I sit here, welling up at the idea that another year has passed. That my cute little half-breed nieces & nephews will never know the best part of our family - that they will forever have to hear stories of this man they know only from a photo.

Stupid life.

There are some moments in your life you will never forget. Your first kiss, your first job interview, winning your first award, being published for the first time, you get the drift.

There are other moments though you remember for all the wrong reasons. They catch you off-guard and throw your life into a tailspin. A moment that you will forever be able to revisit by just closing your eyes, the steps you took, the feelings you had, the reaction you gave and then everything else just blurs.

My favorite cousin died 11 13 years ago. All because of a motorcycle accident, this man was taken away from his friends and family far too soon. Far too soon.

He was funny and smart and kind and had this ability to make you feel so special, even if you weren’t. He was adventurous and outgoing and playful and I doubt you will find anyone out there to say a bad word about him. He was someone you could look up to and admire, without ever feeling lame for actually admiring someone.

And after going down a few steps and sitting down with my dad, he was taken away from me. Forever. Well, he had been taken away from me a couple of days earlier, I just didn’t know about it. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss. And while I can vividly remember the moment leading up to my dad talking to me and the talk my dad had with me and a few moments immediately after, the rest it is all a blur, with random memories here and there; things that gave me some sort of comfort and other things that proved to be no solace at all.

I think about him all the time, obviously, more so today. The upsetting thing is, I cannot remember his voice. I remember what he looks like and moments we spent together, but I was only 16 and didn’t know that I needed to remember what his voice sounded like. You never realize that you NEED to remember these things, that moments you never thought would matter, really do when you can’t have them anymore.

You never realize that the people you love won’t always be around. That one day, you will be calling their family to say, I am thinking about them today. But in reality, you think about them all the time. At the top of a climb and the beautiful view, I think, fuck Hugh would have loved this.

So, yeah, today sucks. I has since 1997 and it will every year until the day I die. All because of one fucking moment, one little fucking second, so many years ago.

Worst day ever.

Frustration

I am starting to get frustrated.

Single for three years, dating the entire time, I have yet to meet a boy I really enjoy in Vancouver.

No, because I like the difficult life, in the past three years, the only boy that I have met that I like enough to think about dating lives 8333km away. (yes, that is the exact distance from Vancouver to Bern)

So now, not only does he live very far away, but because I think he's pretty great, I'm getting frustrated. Frustrated with the fact that we cannot really get to know each other from so far away. Frustrated that this great life I have here cannot be shared with him. Frustrated that because I was lucky enough to find him, I am now uninterested in the idiots boys here.

It was four really special days in Bern and how I would love for it to translate into something more. At the very least a second or third date. But I am starting to feel the hope he provided slipping away. He is too cute to remain single for much longer.

And my biggest fear may just come true: I will be forgotten.

I hate the idea of being forgotten. Especially by this boy.

sigh

When you kiss me, I'm happy enough to die.

I'm not calling you a ghost,
Just stop haunting me,
And I love you so much,
I'm gonna let you,
Kill me.

Love is the coal that makes this train roll

Let me be your everlasting light

I'll hold and never scold

In me you can confide

When no ones by your side

Let me be your everlasting light

I can't believe

The first six months of 2010 are now a memory - and what a glorious memory they are.

2010 started with a rad Justin Timberlake, Euro-chic birthday surprise; then the Games; followed by Paris and the most swoon-worthy Swiss boy; Hawaii with the family; and Vegas for a friend's stagette.

Like Whoa.

It feels like yesterday that Vancouver, its residents and the world were getting ready for the Olympics. Here we are, three months later and I'm still feeling the Olympic hangover. Why? The Olympics showed me the potential of this city and its people. It showed me that the Vancouver I see every day is one millionth of how awesome it could be.

I skipped the immediate Olympic hangover by fleeing to Europe. I left for a couple of reasons - partly for a vacation and partly to see about a boy. And what a vacation (and boy) it was. You've read the details, so I won't bore you. Again.

A month after Paris was Hawaii with the cutest kidlettes ever. I confess, they make kids look like a more appealing option than before.

After Hawaii was Vegas. As it wasn't my trip, what happens in Vegas will stay in Vegas, this time. You can read Sarin's thoughts on the trip if you'd like.

But now I am bored. I'm not sure how the next six months will shape up, but they better step it up. And soon.