Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What is the matter with you?

Have you ever wondered that? I wonder it all the time.

Why are you so fucked up? Why can't you just pull it together and enjoy life again? Why not?

It has been a year. A year since my life was great. I was sorta working again, I had just been published twice and I was in love. So very much in love.

I had this man in my life that proved he was worth it. Proved that he was willing to offer more than any other before. Proved that not all men suck. That not all men are going to dick you around and leave you when things get a little tough.

Then, a year later, he went and proved me right ... all men are going to dick you around and leave you when things get a little tough.

Granted, there were definitely more cons on his list than pros. That much I am sure of. I had warped into this person that I never was before. A person I barely recognized as myself. I mean, it sounded like me, it looked like me, it did things that I would do, but it wasn't me.

And it hasn't been me for a while. A really long while.

You see, in mid-July, my life shifted. It shifted in a way I have been unable to grapple with. All of a sudden, my life was out of my control. Things were happening to me and my body that were totally out of my control.

I didn't want to be me, so why would anyone want to be with me?

It would have been too much for anyone, so I can hardly blame him for walking away. I have just become too much to deal with, even for myself.

And my poor friends. God, can only imagine how many of them would LOVE to turn and walk away from me, but, unfortunately for them, I know every possible way of contacting them, so they can't. Heh. Sucks for them.

So yeah, I wonder all the time, what is the matter with me? I know, I just don't know how to fix it. I guess that is the part that separates the crazies from the normals ... knowing how to fix what is wrong with you.

1 comment:

Robin in Vancouver said...

Personally, I think that Vancouver sucks the life out of you. I really think there's something wrong with this city.

I'm off to Toronto in Sept. It's smelly and ugly, but it has soul.