What I want

I'm getting a little sad.

Several months ago I returned from Europe with a spring in my step and hope in my pocket.

I sit here today with very little of either. I have lost the hope and I have lost the spring. And it makes me so sad.

The reason for the hope is starting to distance himself - as he should. It has been more than a year since we originally met. More than a year of being 8333km away from one another. More than a year of thinking about him and wishing with every little piece of me that this boy I met lived just a few time zones closer to me.

But alas he doesn't.

When I came back from Switzerland I thought there was a chance of him coming to visit before next year. I thought I had left enough of an impression on him that he would take a risk and fly across the world. Of course he didn't - how silly was I to even think that?

Pretty silly.

The earliest he may come here is March 2011. That would make it a year since I was in Switzerland. It's already been months without a decent date. And for all I know he is dating many women, or heck, maybe the reason for the distancing is that he found an actual girlfriend. Like I'd mentioned before, he's too cute to stay single for much longer.

I'm too scared to ask though. Too scared that he has had enough sense to move on, when I have not. Too scared to find out that I'm not worth waiting for, when I believed (and still do) that he is worth waiting for.

sucks.

Law of Inertia

I have always been the youngest in my family and amongst most of my friends, not to mention the eternal single girl. And I've always loved it - both positions allow for a certain degree of irresponsibility, which I bask in.

While I love being the youngest and love my single life, they are currently causing me to move away from my friends.

You see, most of my friends are all grown-up.

They have houses, and significant others, and children, and real grown-up worries.

I, on the other hand, am amassing frequent flyer miles, a lot of random stories, and pretty much standing still.

These people that have helped me grow are now grown. They have their own lives to worry about and comparatively, mine feels somewhat insignificant.

Not that they would ever make me feel like that. Never. They are too classy for that - and smarter because I would raise some serious hell.

But here I am, wandering through an insignificant existence. With nothing to show other than some fabulous shoes and a pretty decent wardrobe, there is actually nothing significant about my life - right now. God do I hope that this is a right now thing.

My biggest worry - this blog will be my only legacy. No kids. No great love. Nothing beyond a few unimportant words on the internet.

sigh.

As Sir Isaac Newton stated: A body persists in a state of rest or of uniform motion unless acted upon by an external force.

I need an external force. Something fierce.

Picky. So what?

I have been single for a while now. And I'm totally ok with it. In fact, I think I'm better as a single - it's the only child in me. When P3 and I started dating, I said to a friend "this relationship stuff is hard, having to think of your life in relation to another human being."

It is. And to be willing to make that sacrifice, you have to really care about the other person.

Yes, sometimes I complain about being single - mainly because I miss falling asleep with someone or having standing weekend date - but it seems like every time I complain to one of my friends about my relationship status, they respond with "Well, you're too picky."

Are you ready for the rant, because here it comes.

When it comes to dating and relationships, there is no such thing as too picky.

I am picky about almost everything in my life. I am picky about what shoes I wear, my work, my friends, so why shouldn't I be picky about the men I date?

And I would understand if this pickiness problem was purely superficial. But it isn't.

In fact, while I sometimes quote a really superficial reason - zit on the back of a neck, lazy eye, bad shoes - they are not the real reason I'm not with the dude.

The real reason is that the chemistry wasn't there. They weren't funny enough, they weren't smart enough, they weren't ... something enough.

Yes, I am shallow, but I'm not that shallow - give me a little credit.

The thing that pisses me off about the 'picky' comment, is the people that are saying it to me.

They were picky. They were just lucky enough to find love early on. They didn't have to stumble through dating the way I have. They have no fucking clue how painful most of these dates actually are.

Don't I deserve to find the person that gives me butterflies, that makes me forget about their imperfections and focus how they are perfect ... for me.

And as my friend, why are you suggesting that I settle? Is it because you think there is fault in my single-state? Is it because you are hoping that if I'm dating someone, you won't get as many phone calls from me? Or is it because you just want me to shut the fuck up?

Whatever the reason, please stop. This is not a reason for me being single. If anything, it is an insult - I too deserve the sort of happiness you have found. I too deserve to find someone that makes me laugh, think and smile - the same as you.

And if you had been on some of the shitty dates I have, you would be picky too.

So, if you know a single person out there, give them a break. Picky is not a reason for their single state. The sucky state of dating probably is.