From Hope to Reality

Last year when I got back from Paris I spoke of the hope I found. The hope that someone out there is waiting for me. Someone great. This year, my vacation brought me a fine dose of reality.

I've been asked many times if I saw my Swiss friend, and the answer is yes, I did. But not how I was planning. But a brief moment of my vacation was spent with the coolest boy I have met in years.

What I want

I'm getting a little sad.

Several months ago I returned from Europe with a spring in my step and hope in my pocket.

I sit here today with very little of either. I have lost the hope and I have lost the spring. And it makes me so sad.

The reason for the hope is starting to distance himself - as he should. It has been more than a year since we originally met. More than a year of being 8333km away from one another. More than a year of thinking about him and wishing with every little piece of me that this boy I met lived just a few time zones closer to me.

But alas he doesn't.

When I came back from Switzerland I thought there was a chance of him coming to visit before next year. I thought I had left enough of an impression on him that he would take a risk and fly across the world. Of course he didn't - how silly was I to even think that?

Pretty silly.

The earliest he may come here is March 2011. That would make it a year since I was in Switzerland. It's already been months without a decent date. And for all I know he is dating many women, or heck, maybe the reason for the distancing is that he found an actual girlfriend. Like I'd mentioned before, he's too cute to stay single for much longer.

I'm too scared to ask though. Too scared that he has had enough sense to move on, when I have not. Too scared to find out that I'm not worth waiting for, when I believed (and still do) that he is worth waiting for.

sucks.

Skype-tastic!

I've been on the Skype bandwagon for a few years now - it had been a life-saver when trying to keep in touch while I was in NYC, but for all the money it saved me then, I still had yet to fully appreciate the magic of the technology. 

Until this week.

This week, my Swiss friend and I had our first video chat via Skype, and it was magical.

I hadn't seen his face since I was on the train leaving Bern, and well that wasn't the happiest of days. It had also felt like I had started making up how cute he is. Like my memory had made him up and he was merely just a normal dude I had manifested, or something. But let me tell ya, I didn't make it up. He really is as cute as I remembered. And not to mention as silly as can be. I'm smiling from ear-to-ear just writing this.

So back to the call. I had no idea I could be so excited to see someone's face. We have had many telephone calls, but this video call takes the cake. To see him, sitting there, looking right at me. Fuck. It was awesome.

It really was. But at the same time, this Skype call proved harder than I expected.

Huh?

Well, I don't like boys often. I go on dates, but most boys fail to impress or leave any impression at all. But this boy, well this boy has left an impression. A pretty deep impression in fact. So to see his face, and hear his voice. To know that he was as excited (I think) to see me, but to not be able to reach out and touch him, well that was harder than I expected. Much harder. It took everything (and a maxed out credit card) to stop me from buying a one-way ticket to Switzerland and not look back.

But as he has said before: "This is life. You are there and I am here. What can we do?"

Suck balls man.

Frustration

I am starting to get frustrated.

Single for three years, dating the entire time, I have yet to meet a boy I really enjoy in Vancouver.

No, because I like the difficult life, in the past three years, the only boy that I have met that I like enough to think about dating lives 8333km away. (yes, that is the exact distance from Vancouver to Bern)

So now, not only does he live very far away, but because I think he's pretty great, I'm getting frustrated. Frustrated with the fact that we cannot really get to know each other from so far away. Frustrated that this great life I have here cannot be shared with him. Frustrated that because I was lucky enough to find him, I am now uninterested in the idiots boys here.

It was four really special days in Bern and how I would love for it to translate into something more. At the very least a second or third date. But I am starting to feel the hope he provided slipping away. He is too cute to remain single for much longer.

And my biggest fear may just come true: I will be forgotten.

I hate the idea of being forgotten. Especially by this boy.

sigh

Finished

Tomorrow, I leave Switzerland.

I think tomorrow, I will be very sad.

I meet enough boys and have been on enough dates to know when I meet a good guy and when I meet a schmuck.

Unfortunately, I think I have met a good guy.

Why unfortunately? Well, I will likely never see this boy again. He will continue with his life and I will return to mine, and our paths may never cross again. And this makes me very sad.

Funny, cute, kind, smoker, and I have mentioned before, yay for accents. I have come to realize that these qualities are too few and far between in men. Often uptight and judgemental, to meet a person that is ok with you being silly and dressing crazy is a good thing.

Only he lives here and I live there.

So tomorrow, when I board the train and leave Switzerland, I think I will be very sad.