Here we are again

I originally wrote this post two years ago, but here we are again, like we will be every July 25th. This year make 13 years since my cousin died. And still I sit here, welling up at the idea that another year has passed. That my cute little half-breed nieces & nephews will never know the best part of our family - that they will forever have to hear stories of this man they know only from a photo.

Stupid life.

There are some moments in your life you will never forget. Your first kiss, your first job interview, winning your first award, being published for the first time, you get the drift.

There are other moments though you remember for all the wrong reasons. They catch you off-guard and throw your life into a tailspin. A moment that you will forever be able to revisit by just closing your eyes, the steps you took, the feelings you had, the reaction you gave and then everything else just blurs.

My favorite cousin died 11 13 years ago. All because of a motorcycle accident, this man was taken away from his friends and family far too soon. Far too soon.

He was funny and smart and kind and had this ability to make you feel so special, even if you weren’t. He was adventurous and outgoing and playful and I doubt you will find anyone out there to say a bad word about him. He was someone you could look up to and admire, without ever feeling lame for actually admiring someone.

And after going down a few steps and sitting down with my dad, he was taken away from me. Forever. Well, he had been taken away from me a couple of days earlier, I just didn’t know about it. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss. And while I can vividly remember the moment leading up to my dad talking to me and the talk my dad had with me and a few moments immediately after, the rest it is all a blur, with random memories here and there; things that gave me some sort of comfort and other things that proved to be no solace at all.

I think about him all the time, obviously, more so today. The upsetting thing is, I cannot remember his voice. I remember what he looks like and moments we spent together, but I was only 16 and didn’t know that I needed to remember what his voice sounded like. You never realize that you NEED to remember these things, that moments you never thought would matter, really do when you can’t have them anymore.

You never realize that the people you love won’t always be around. That one day, you will be calling their family to say, I am thinking about them today. But in reality, you think about them all the time. At the top of a climb and the beautiful view, I think, fuck Hugh would have loved this.

So, yeah, today sucks. I has since 1997 and it will every year until the day I die. All because of one fucking moment, one little fucking second, so many years ago.

Worst day ever.

Priority: High

I went to Hawaii this weekend. Yes, it is extravagant for a weekend trip, but the flight prices were cheap, and because it was a family vaycay, I didn't have to pay for anything else.

This weekend has been all kinds of ups and downs.

Up because I got to see all of my immediate family and a good chunk of my extended family.

Up because my nieces and nephews (two of each) are the most awesome kidlettes ever. The kidlettes and I were Team Awesome all weekend. My 1 year old niece was trying to scream my name for the last two days. My 4 year old nephew said I was his girlfriend and tried to stay up all night so he wouldn't miss a minute with me. My 6 year old niece wore her Canada sweater with pride and was fucking awesome-sauce.

Down because it was so short.

Down because Monday was spent in front of a computer working. As these nieces and nephews of mine were on the beach, yelling for me I was forced to deal with a 'client issue'.

Normally, I don't mind working from home, but this was not home. This was a house on Oahu's North Shore. This was time that I was supposed to have with my family that I don't get to hang with much.

This was MY time.

My family understands the reality of mortality and this weekend made me realize: at any point, any one of these people might not be here. And should they stop being here I would be left with nothing but regrets for not spending Monday frolicking on the beach with the cutest half-breed kids in the world.

So, this weekend left me with one nagging question: where the fuck are my priorities?

Auntie?

I am an only child. I will never have ACTUAL nieces and nephews, so I have claimed my second-cousins as my nieces and nephews. Jarod always reminds me how this is not a true claim of blood relation, but when did I EVER listen to his ass?

Mom and I went to Houston on Wednesday. I haven't seen Sydney and Hugh since August, and, well, kids just grow so quickly, that you miss so much.

I have never wanted kids, at least not yet, maybe ever. I don't think I have the patience to have kids, but I LOVE THEM!

Sydney is three and Hugh is 1. Holy shit are they cute. I mean COME ON! Why do they have to be so damn cute? We hung out all Wed, Thur and Fri. Let me tell ya, they totally melt this grinch's heart.

Thursday Sydney and I were hanging out, playing, dancing, singing, yelling. I got her to take a bath, which she totally didn't want to do. Then I did the impossible. I got her to sleep with me. She usually sleeps with her grandma or her parents, and doesn't usually sleep with others, but the promise of a slumber party suckered her in. We got ready for bed, and she asks "Aunty Iris, what's a slumber party??" This after she was sooooo excited for it. SO cute! Holy moly is this kid a bed hog. She had me shmooshed against the wall all night. How is someone 35 lbs able to ruin a perfectly good night's sleep like that? Although I will not complain.

The next day I got her all jazzed to go ice skating. For those of you not in the know, I once skated daily. I was never very good, in fact I sucked, but I loved it. So we packed the family up, got Sydney ready and went to the rink.

I put on my skates, which have not been on my feet for 13 years. It was like the first time I had stepped on the ice. I was sooooo bad. But it was hilarious. I did a couple of laps and then got her out there. We made it about half way around the rink when she got tired, and so did I.

It was great fun. She asked me yesterday, (I am back in NYC now) if I was going skating today. She is sooo cute. I wanted to die.

Moral of the story ... I really like being an aunt - even a fake one.


i