Here we are again

I originally wrote this post two years ago, but here we are again, like we will be every July 25th. This year make 13 years since my cousin died. And still I sit here, welling up at the idea that another year has passed. That my cute little half-breed nieces & nephews will never know the best part of our family - that they will forever have to hear stories of this man they know only from a photo.

Stupid life.

There are some moments in your life you will never forget. Your first kiss, your first job interview, winning your first award, being published for the first time, you get the drift.

There are other moments though you remember for all the wrong reasons. They catch you off-guard and throw your life into a tailspin. A moment that you will forever be able to revisit by just closing your eyes, the steps you took, the feelings you had, the reaction you gave and then everything else just blurs.

My favorite cousin died 11 13 years ago. All because of a motorcycle accident, this man was taken away from his friends and family far too soon. Far too soon.

He was funny and smart and kind and had this ability to make you feel so special, even if you weren’t. He was adventurous and outgoing and playful and I doubt you will find anyone out there to say a bad word about him. He was someone you could look up to and admire, without ever feeling lame for actually admiring someone.

And after going down a few steps and sitting down with my dad, he was taken away from me. Forever. Well, he had been taken away from me a couple of days earlier, I just didn’t know about it. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss. And while I can vividly remember the moment leading up to my dad talking to me and the talk my dad had with me and a few moments immediately after, the rest it is all a blur, with random memories here and there; things that gave me some sort of comfort and other things that proved to be no solace at all.

I think about him all the time, obviously, more so today. The upsetting thing is, I cannot remember his voice. I remember what he looks like and moments we spent together, but I was only 16 and didn’t know that I needed to remember what his voice sounded like. You never realize that you NEED to remember these things, that moments you never thought would matter, really do when you can’t have them anymore.

You never realize that the people you love won’t always be around. That one day, you will be calling their family to say, I am thinking about them today. But in reality, you think about them all the time. At the top of a climb and the beautiful view, I think, fuck Hugh would have loved this.

So, yeah, today sucks. I has since 1997 and it will every year until the day I die. All because of one fucking moment, one little fucking second, so many years ago.

Worst day ever.