Head full of doubt

I mentioned that I made a mistake at work a couple of weeks ago. It was a silly mistake, and I am still not over it.

This mistake has left me ... doubtful.

Maybe I'm not cut-out for the business world. Maybe I am not as awesome as I like to believe. Maybe all the faith my company has in me is totally misplaced.

I can't help but think that the other shoe is going to drop. That I will be exposed as a fraud and that everyone around me is going to end up disappointed in me. That everyone will see my confident bravado is just that, bravado.

I know it's totally obsessive of me, but I can't help it. I am still unable to shake the doubt and it's definitely getting to me.

Just thought I would share.

Heh.

Ok, so birthdays, a HUGE deal for me. I love them, they are the only day devoted solely to you. I don't really care who else shares the day with, it is still yours.

This is the first year since my 19th that I haven't had a big party (invitations and all). Why am I not having a big party you ask? Well, who the hell would I invite?

It is a little sad to me that for the past two years, my birthdays have been a little tainted. Last year, because of NY and this year for a mountain of reasons. I don't have my friends, I don't have Paul, I don't have a permanent home. AWESOME.

The only thing I do have is my job, which I have mentioned several times I LOVE. I swear, if it wasn't for my job, I would be in Edmonton. So, at least I have my job, the one shining light in my life ... ok, I want a new life.

So there it is. My sad little birthday post. It is 8:30PM and I am going to bed. Can we just skip to Friday?

And where do you think you are going?

So I have this friend. For the sake of this post, we will call him Paul.

Now Paul and I have been friends since high school. In fact, said friend was my grad date. We have been best dudes for a while now, a fact I take great pride in, a) because he is a difficult person to like; b) I have said it before, but I feel truly blessed to have people who knew me back-in-tha-day; and c) our friendship is living proof of a truly platonic friendship between members of the opposite sex.

So since HS, Paul and I have remained best dudes. Of my memories of the past ten years, very few of them don't include Paul. We have lived within a 15 block radius of each other for a while, and I have gotten very used to having one of my best friends within a 15-minute walk. One of the comforts of Edmonton I love.

Anyways. Paul is growing up and it is bugging the shit out of me. I helped Paul move on Saturday. Unfortunately for me, Paul is moving out of the downtown core. Very far out of the downtown core. To a part of town I don't even know how to get to on bus. For the first time since HS, Paul and I aren't going to be just a hop, skip and a jump away from each other.

It is the end of an era. A very fun era.

Paul is also getting married this year. Kai is getting married this year too. Do you know that most of my group of friends from HS are married or getting married? A good chunk of them already have kids. WTF?! I am still waiting on a boy I like enough to introduce to my parents and these people are being adults?

I just can't think about this anymore. Paul and I are NEVER going to hang out again. He is NEVER going to want to go for a walk again. We are NEVER going to see each other again.

MY LIFE IS OVER!

Ok, a little dramatic I know, but these are the INSANE thoughts that have been running through my head. I get that I should be happy for my best dude, and I am, but I am also really sad for me too. Call me selfish. I don't care. I JUST DON'T CARE!

i