A little lost

I had gotten into this lovely routine here in this miserable city.

I had a friend at work that I REALLY liked and not just in that co-worker sorta way. Climbing all the time and had developed this lovely relationship with P3 (yes, the ex. I don't want to hear it)

Well all of a sudden, that has all changed. Well, temporarily at least.

You see, my friend at work found a really great job. Like a REALLY great job, one that I cannot even begrudge her a little for taking. So fine, one down. FINE.

P3 decided a few weeks ago that he was going on a roadtrip and taking my puppy love with him. I mean, I can deal with one leaving, but both of them?! What?!

And now, I have been all ... shy when I am bouldering. I don't really get it, I have bouldered by myself a bunch - and every time I am ok. Nerves in check and I actually do quite well, but not lately. The past few times, I haven't been able to even do routes that I normally do. How messed up is that?! Ugh.

So, I go, by myself and suck. Like really suck. I hate sucking at anything. In general, I just don't do things that I am not good at. But this too shall pass.

At least I hope.

Plans?

YES! Actually I do have plans this weekend and I am very excited for them.

My friend's husband has organized a pubcrawl for his birthday. I have never been on a pubcrawl before and I really thought I would never go on one. I mean, really, my time has passed. But this one is going to be people of my own age group, so it should make for a good time.

I have no idea where we are going or what we are doing, but at 7PM tonight, I am getting on a bus and heading to god-knows-where to drink excessively.

I feel like a girl of just 25 again!

I got really high

So I have taken to rock climbing.

Taken to it in a way I never thought I would take to any sort of physical activity. I HATE physical activity. A lot. I don't like the gym. I think running is stupid. And everything else has just seemed 'meh' to me.

I tried rock climbing for the first time in April. I really liked it. The first time I got up that wall and finished a route - well, I was hooked. Even in the busy climbing gym, the only thing I could think about was the problem in front of me.

I have mentioned several times how I have a busy head. Usually, I have few moments of nothingness. And when I do, they are often fleeting. But not when I climb.

When I climb, the only thing I can think about is the next hand-hold and my foot placement. Am I using my arms too much? How do I have to position myself to make finish this one? These are the only things that can go through my head. Otherwise, I fall. And no one likes to fall.

So yeah, I go three or four times a week now. Three hours usually at a time. And I boulder too. Bouldering (for those of you who don't know) is when you climb about three metres up without rope. There are huge crash pads beneath you, so there is no worry of injury. I hope.

I have even gone outside. Which is fucking incredible. These are from my very first outdoor climb. Right on the ocean - how amazing is that!?

Me climbing












The view from Lighthouse Park (West Vancouver)









Me freaking out before my first climb.












So yeah, I love something that isn't shoes or work or bad for me. And it is sofa king granola!

And the big deal is?

I have been single for the majority of my adult life. Save for one lovely relationship, from 18 - 27, I have been single. And I don't think there is anything wrong with me or that.

I date. I get out there and I date. And I can say from experience, for the mostpart, dating sucks.

Awkward meetings, bad restaurant choices, poor conversation, on occassion, prayer - what about this sounds like a pleasant experience?

Granted, there are exceptions. Those first dates that keep getting extended, where the conversation is so good and the beer is so tasting that you think, this dude is totally something special.

But those are few and far between. Believe me. So why on Earth do I want to date more?

Where does this come from, you ask? I am sick of seeing these Lavalife ads. 'Don't be alone'. Ugh.

Shut the fuck up. And it is always a girl in the picture. Like they are holding your love in the palm of their hand.

Ugh. So yes, that is the lesson of the day: Dating is the worst thing ever. Most of the time.

Seriously?

Has it really been a year? A YEAR since I moved out to Vancouver!

Yes, it has. It seems like yesterday I was driving out here with P3 and here I am a year later and none the wiser.

No that isn't true. I have learned a lot this past year. Learned to stand on my own two feet, with no one around but my thoughts and fears and all that ick stuff.

While I still think Vancouver is bullshit, I am starting to form a bit of a life out here. It is nice and it is weird, all at the same time. This isn't my home, but it is where I live.

My life here, while fulfilling, is fairly uneventful. I cannot compare it to New York, because, well, that was a fantasy life, full of fun and excitement and new adventures and boys. But here, I am doing things I have never done, falling in love with things that I never expected and finding out how to be me in this wretched city.

It's starting to rain again. Here we go again. Let the suicide attempts start.